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To make long distance relationships work, get real

University Relations
News Bureau (662) 325-3442
Contact: Jennifer Rousey
June 16, 2003

STARKVILLE, Miss.—Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it also invokes the “out of sight, out of mind” theory. With this double-edged sword, how can long-distance couples endure?

“Long distance relationships are not easy, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad,” says Linda M. Cox, director of Mississippi State University’s Counseling Center.

She cites both positive and negative qualities of such relationships. On the positive side: “Time together always has a honeymoon flavor, and a few days together is a celebration.” On the negative: “The relationship is not exposed to the everyday stuff. The mundane aspects of the relationship don’t get played out very well.”

Without the sharing of household chores and similar daily routines, some relationships have only a slim chance of survival. “People want to share the joys and burdens of everyday life,” Cox says. “Long distance relationships normally don’t provide that.”

Long-distance relationships typically have a lifespan of two to three years, with distance providing a barometer of how much or how little both parties need their mate, she observes.

Also, couples who meet while living in the same place have a better chance of surviving a long distance relationship. Starting a relationship while living apart often yields a superficial, “fantasy” relationship that ends once real life sets in, Cox adds.

Cox provides some essentials for surviving a long distance relationship:

--Both individuals should have rich, full lives where they live; neither should count on the other to fulfill every need.

--Schedule regular times to talk on the phone and e-mail each other.

--Develop a structured plan for spending time together.

--Don’t avoid conflict; communicate openly and learn to negotiate.

--Spend time together in one another’s homes.

--Discuss time frames and outline a long-range plan for a more-committed relationship.